I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
