I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
