After last night, I could never be a politician.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
