mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
