Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
