The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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