I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
