New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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