I wish I could teleport
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
