Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
