Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
