someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
birth control should be required to get into college
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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