Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
