I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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