you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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