it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
