Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
