I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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