you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
