I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm both gender and math confused
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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