I'm so fucking centered right now
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My bed smells like the plague
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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