my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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