don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
