Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
