Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
