I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
