I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
