Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
