What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
