you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize