Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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