I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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