More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
