I want to walk on stilts...naked
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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