Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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