I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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