The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
