Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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