i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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