Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
