She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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