You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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