bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
