the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Found the puke drawer
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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