I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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