Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
