They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
