One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
