The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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