I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
