I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
