I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
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