I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
