24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
