I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
