matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We just shotgunned beers for America
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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