Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
