I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
