It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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