Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
