You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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