All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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