i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
